Missional Motherhood

This is a piece I wrote a few years ago. A gentleman in my church asked a group of mothers to contribute to his booklet on the spiritual role a mother has to her children. 

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Becoming a mom is not what I thought it would be. Before I actually had a child of my own, I was sure I already knew how I would parent. I started babysitting when I was 12 and even though the job was tiring, it didn’t demand superhuman strength either. I prided myself on my ‘Mary Poppins’ persona.

Then after Jason and I had been married for over a year, God gave us our son Jesse. This sweet boy has been the hardest and greatest adventure yet. Even the pregnancy was filled with plot twists and turns, as Jesse’s state of health became more of a question instead of a certainty. Later on we were faced with his genetic abnormality and developmental delays. Broken sleep, physical therapy, occupational therapy, speech therapy, neurology appointments, geneticist appointments, and can you please walk by your 2nd birthday little boy?

I used to think missionary service required traveling overseas to share the Gospel. However, the longer I’m a parent it is clear that right where I am is my missional work. It’s not the romanticized version I imagined. But it is just as important and humbling.

The job of every Christian mom is physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually draining. God is using motherhood as a means for my sanctification. It isn’t glamorous, but this can be eternal work when done in faith. Who is it I’m representing to my son? Christ? or myself?

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Parenting well requires dying to self daily, viewing our jobs as service to the Lord. The times I struggle are the days when I see my son’s sin nature more clearly and my own as well. That’s why Jesus gives us Himself, the Holy Spirit to help and guide when I have no clue what I’m doing, or come to the end of myself.

Our children, especially when they’re young, are our mission field. We train and make disciples right in our homes. Don’t underestimate the work you do. Can it be monotonous? Yep. But that can also be called faithfulness. Day in, day out, you’re showing up.

I don’t think I’m overstating how essential the role of parents are to our children. We raise them in faith instilling Biblical truth, a love for Christ, so that one day Lord willing, they grow up and multiply the fruit we’ve labored over for years.

A mother’s work is kingdom work.

God gives your ordinary tasks purpose.

Jesus humbled Himself to the most demeaning job in His culture, right before He went to the cross for us. During the Passover meal the Lord washed the disciples’ mud-caked, dirty, dusty feet. This job was always reserved for a Gentile slave, because not even a Jew would stoop so low. But Jesus’ act of service was a demonstration of His sacrificial love for them. You could say it foreshadowed what was to come on Calvary.

Christ was teaching His disciples that to become great one must be brought low. Even when it requires performing a mundane task or something beneath your skill level. He was implementing the upside kingdom effect.

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As we view our lives in light of His, let us remember that our humble work isn’t overlooked by Jesus. In fact, I think it pleases Him. We may not have a platform for thousands to see and applaud us, but all that really matters anyway is our audience to One.

Am I using my gifts, time, and abilities to mother well? Do I rely on His strength and not my own? Make no mistake that the eternal rewards for every faithful mother will far outweigh the lack of praise and attention here on earth. A woman who understands this knows her worth is in Christ. He goes before us, allowing us to carry out the call of missional motherhood.

Grace upon grace,

April

Disappointment and Hope

An older woman with children grown sat in my living room listening to me pour my heart out. I listed specifics of disappointment I struggle with but it probably sounded more like a child whining. We didn’t know each other, not well anyway, having just met face-to-face for the first time that day. But she was recommended by a trusted mentor as someone who could listen and give counsel. I didn’t hold back, and after quietly listening letting me vent all my frustrations, she wisely directed me to the book of Job.

Here was a man who lost everything. His servants, wealth, all of his children, livestock, and income were gone. Then he was stricken with boils all over his body as the last blow. His wife and friends didn’t provide much help either, urging him to curse God and die, or confess some hidden sin he must have for God to permit all of this.

Job had no answers and he found no comfort.

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The last few chapters in Job are some of the most powerful words recorded in the Bible. The Lord decides to speak directly to Job, asking rhetorical questions reminding him (and us) Who is in control of the universe.

God basically tells Job that since He is all-wise and all-powerful, who is he to question the Lord?

Our thoughts are so limited, and understanding as vast as the present day. I don’t know what will even happen beyond the end of this sentence. Not really. We learn from past history but God was actually there. Not only that, but He has laid out the future as well. He is there too.

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So this godly lady sitting on my couch pointed me to Job’s story to help me remember God’s Sovereignty and Greatness. Just like Job, our lives are one of many stories weaved into History. It’s not that our lives are meaningless, but in comparison to the Lord’s omnipotence who am I to stamp my foot and say “life isn’t fair”? If I know He loves me fiercely enough to send Jesus to die for my sins then can’t I rest in His wisdom for the rest of my life too?

The continued disappointment of infertility sometimes stings. I think I have a handle on it then there’s another pregnancy announcement or baby shower invitation. It’s like throwing cold water over my head. I’m stunned by the swell of emotions that come from a deep place inside me of something lost- something that never was.

Resentment isn’t far behind if I don’t quickly put a lid on the explosion of feelings. So I asked this woman what do I do when this happens? When I’m side-swiped by my own heart?

She encouraged me to go to the greatness of God when I feel jealous, hurt, left out, over a heart desire unfulfilled. That’s why we looked at Job. It is one of the best places to see the Transcendence, Sovereignty, and Wisdom of God. Only God is big enough to fill the gaping hole in our hearts.

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If I am not given more babies then He will give me more of Himself by helping me understand that only Jesus satisfies the longings of my soul. I may not understand why I have infertility or why God chose me and Jason to have a special needs son. These are worlds I never expected to enter, but here we are.

When we ache over unfulfilled dreams, we can always look to Christ. God proves Himself over and over to us even though He doesn’t have to. As we remember His past faithfulness, His present goodness, and future graces, well, these are gifts to cling tightly to. His love for us is still true, meeting us in the pain. Our Father gives us our Hope in the middle of Disappointment.

There is a song by Lauren Daigle that speaks directly to trusting God when life doesn’t turn out like you expect. I hope you are ministered to today in whatever loss or dream you’re still waiting on.

Grace upon grace,

April

2019- God at work

Have you ever wondered if God’s presence and divine activity is something that happened only in the Bible? After the canon of Scripture closed, so did God. He won’t “reappear” until Second Advent when all future promises are fulfilled.

It can feel that way sometimes, especially in our current climate.

But this isn’t true.

In studying the book of Esther at church recently, I was reminded of God’s presence now, “hidden but present”. The Lord moved powerfully behind the scenes to keep His covenant promise to Abraham in Esther’s time. God protected the Jews from total annihilation even though His Name is never mentioned in this book.

The hand of God was actively engaged then as He is today. Esther’s world didn’t honor God as Lord either- The Jews were exiled in captivity, far from home, without reminders of His presence. Persia was filled with extravagance, opulence, many gods, and wicked leaders. Not much has changed today.

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It seems like God has forgotten us or doesn’t care anymore.

Yet our Father is with us even when our faith is small and the world looks bleak. Evil, sadness, weariness, even apathy, can’t win. We know God has the final victory and so I rest in that hope. But He is also here right now. The Father leaves His fingerprints in creation, wields His power in Heaven, commands the storms of nature, but gave us the unique privilege to not only work with Him, but to represent Him. God works through His people. He is working through me and you.

Just as the Lord used the actions of Mordecai, Esther, and even Haman and King Ahasureus, the God of this Universe can use our actions (even the failures) for His glory. It’s the mystery of God’s Sovereignty and man’s will weaved together.

I best understood this in reading Inconspicuous Providence. The author quotes an old Portuguese proverb that says, “God writes straight with crooked lines.” It doesn’t give us a license to sin, since God can use us no matter what, but an encouragement that though we fail God is not limited by how “holy” we are.

Our lives matter in 2019.

How we live it out day after day interests the Lord because He ordained each one. God the Father wisely placed you and me in this time in history with a purpose. It may not ever make headline news (thank goodness) but we aren’t forgotten either. Not by Him.

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Unbelievers will face judgement one day. This is a tragic horror unless the Holy Spirit intervenes and repentance happens. Our eternity far outweighs the burdens we bear now.

Jesus loves you.

YOU.

Don’t forget this one soul-saving fact.

God is at work this day using His Spirit in all believers. What a humbling and comforting truth. Just like in Esther’s story, God will not let His people be destroyed. He will not give you up to Satan’s hell.

God is the Covenant-Maker and the Promise-Keeper who works all things throughout Time for our good and His Glory. Even in 2019.

God is in our midst.

 

Grace upon grace,

April

The joys and challenges in parenting a special needs child

January has been unexpectedly hard- and cold, but well, that one is to be expected.

We’re still settling into the “new house” as my son calls it. This doesn’t seem like home yet,  so we’re all a little displaced, since we don’t belong at our old house either. But I figure this will soon wear off and be a safe haven rather than feel like a guest in our own home.

Along with that there have been particularly stressful moments recently trying to mother/referee his rollercoaster emotions. Sobbing one minute and laughing the next, mixed in with a good dose of hyperactivity and whining tantrums.

It’s taken me off guard because it isn’t his typical behavior.

Is he tired? Should I change his diet? Special vitamins? Is this a normal part of growing up?

I can guess all day and go mad trying to figure out the solution- or better yet, the problem. He isn’t able to articulate all of his big feelings, so outwardly I try to calm him down. But inwardly I internalize.

Worry.

Stress.

Until the other day when Jason and I were attending to “new house” stuff I had chest pains. Normally I would shake it off (perhaps foolishly) but since I’ve had a run in with AFib there was concern. Each breath hurt my chest.

I’m fine now, but this pain lasted a day and a half-  soreness like maybe I pulled a muscle. Ironically Jason has had the exact same chest pain for 2 years. I did rest that day, just in case, but my fears of another heart problem were put at ease realizing he experiences the same thing.

In fact, it makes sense now.

I’ve heard it said before that parenting a special needs child is on the same stress level as a combat solider. Well, I don’t know about that, but it serves up a great deal of learning challenges, misunderstandings, isolation, acceptance, self-help skills, and sleep deprivation.

This isn’t a sob story because goodness knows we have been tremendously blessed. I know that.

God has given us our son with a purpose. Some of the reasons I see so clearly and other times I do question why there are disabilities at all. It doesn’t seem fair. Looking at other cases just breaks my heart.

But here are two things I know:

One, I don’t want to ever pity another family with special needs children, but love them by being their friend. Enter their mess. Show compassion. Listen. I can’t understand the exact situation, but I can pray for them and even with them. This is what these families need.

To be heard. Seen. Validated. Loved.

Two, God gave me an amazing son who blesses others in a way I can’t fully understand. Sure he’s not perfect by any means but he loves cheerfully. My prayer has always been that the Lord will allow others to see His kindness and goodness through my son.

I believe God has honored this. 

My Father teaches me more and more and more patience when it comes to working with him. My son is the only extrovert in our family so he keeps me and Jason constantly climbing out of our comfort zones. God is inwardly refining my character, as well as showing me how to practice seeing others like my son does.

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This job is for life and I know there will be more joys and challenges with it. The joy is found by recognizing those moments as gifts and giving thanks. The challenges prompt me to pray more specifically and consistently.

Is it stressful? For sure. Is my son worth it? Always.

Knowing that God sees you even when no one else does can help you persevere. Jesus shepherds those that have young (Isaiah 40:11) and He will never leave or forsake His beloved children (Hebrews 13:5).

You and I can rest in this, then take a deep breath and trust God to lead. 

Grace upon grace,

April

Words to live by this year

“His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and goodness.

Through these He has given us His very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.” – 2 Peter 1:3-4

Gratitude.

Contentment.

Satisfaction.

These are the words I want to practice more of until it becomes habit, until it is my nature.

Habits of grace.

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2018 was hard and wonderful. Isn’t it normally like that? Life is full of trials and joys. We moved into a new house and Jesse started a new school- again. He watched his first movie (Toy Story in case you’re wondering) over the summer.

We’re starting over in many ways but also living just as we have, day after day. This is a new year, but you are still the same you. We each have one life to bless others, worship the Lord, and use our gifts.

Our lives are filled with so many good things. We enjoy them with gratitude knowing Who lavishes us with these graces. But with all things kept in eternal perspective, only Christ brings purpose to even these earthly blessings.

Only God can satisfy a parched soul.

Only ‘I AM’ fills the cracks with Himself. Longing for the Lord is good- be patient and persevere in seeking His face.

Coram Deo. Living before the face of God.

We let our light of salvation flood out the dark- in our own flesh and the culture around us.  Jesus can use you this year to be an agent of change for His Kingdom, that is not of this world. That’s worth celebrating any day of the year 🙂

 

Grace upon grace,

April

 

 

A Christmas Gift every day

There seems no end to the rush- from Thanksgiving, to Christmas, on into New Year’s. I’ve become a bit of a Grinch this season with the avalanche of activities, filled with HIGH expectations. Christmas is the one time of year where nostalgia perfection rules. We want to “remember what it was like when we were kids” and create those kind of memories for our children too.

It’s exhausting.

Maybe because we just moved the first week in December, Christmas has felt more like a to-do list on top of the normal day to day things, and oh, did I mention we just moved?!  Let me just hibernate like the bears do and emerge come spring?

Cynical, yes.

Even though the busy pace has threatened to undo me, God is lately at work tilling my heart.

I don’t want to miss the wonder of Christ’s birth.

Heaven met earth in a stable suited for farm animals, witnessed by only Mary and Joseph, then shepherds, and later on the wise men. Christ came without excessive decorum, but as a baby, the most helpless and vulnerable a human can be.

I pray to not get lost in the frenzied swirl of distractions or my own pessimism.

Because honestly, Jesus never asked us to wrap 1,499,586 presents this season, or send Christmas cards with a picture of your family to every. single. person you’ve ever met, or attempt that cake from Joanna Gaines’ cookbook because it looks “Christmas-ey”.

All we’re asked to do is receive Him- the Greatest Gift.

It’s hard for us to be on the receiving end of things sometimes. In a self-reliant, self-made, autonomous modern Western world, we have to do something before we get, right?

God’s economy doesn’t operate that way. We don’t have to perform or earn anything. It’s not a rewards system like in kindergarten.

It’s all grace.

Does it mean we can’t be light-hearted and enjoy fun things during the season? Of course we can. We should celebrate, especially as Christians! But it does mean that we are free from having to tie one more ribbon or buy one more gift for the sake of a “perfect” Christmas.

You do not have to perform to be loved by Jesus. 

Yes, there may be pies to bake, rooms to clean, and even a few presents to wrap. But how we view Christmas is what matters in the hustle of the holidays. We can posture our hearts to worship knowing that we already belong in God’s family, no matter if the ham burns or you forgot to send a Christmas card to Aunt Martha, or that hard to buy for person hates what you got them.

Whether you’re familiar with the loud and busy of Christmas bustle or tucked away lonely, wishing you had someone to buy a present for, remember that Christ came for you too.

Jesus is the Greatest Gift we can have (and all we truly need or want) not just this Christmas, but every Christmas, and every day. One day we’ll see the Son of God who risked everything to save us from ourselves. He’s the Only One who can satisfy our cracked hearts, not things or experiences. When see Him face to face, that will be the best Christmas of all.

 

Grace upon grace,

April

Growing in grace

If you haven’t noticed, on Fridays I’m taking time to post short reflections or prayers. Hopefully you are encouraged by them. This is a prayer from the Valley of Vision. It would make a great Christmas gift for someone, or for yourself 🙂

May you grow in God’s grace today. Blessings to you.

Spiritual Growth

“May I be consistent in conversation and conduct,

the same alone as in company, […]

May I never be satisfied with my present

spiritual progress, […]

May I never neglect what is necessary to constitute Christian character, […]

May I cultivate the expedient,

develop the lovely, adorn the Gospel,

recommend the religion of Jesus,”…

 

 

Grace upon grace,

April

 

 

Immanuel

Love came down quietly, like through the backstage door.

Jesus chose a humble birth of lowly means to parents without money or status. He was delivered in a first century barn surrounded by stench and filth.

Christ became flesh, experiencing life as we do yet did not sin.

He appeared at the appointed Time in history to turn His kingdom upside down from the expectations of the world.

Taking on our humanity Jesus became ‘Immanuel’, “God with us”.

Always.

 

Grace upon grace,

April

Love without End

God is Greater Than,

more Beautiful, Wonderful,  or Powerful

than I can fully understand.

He spoke Everything into existence,

faithful to hold all things together.

By His command I am at His mercy.

Yet this Almighty, Divine Lord also moved in Love, toward people who would disobey Him, reject His Son, and hate Him or anyone claiming to be His children.

But He also knew that some would not rebel forever- fellowship restored.

His Greatness consumed my insignificance and wrapped it in unending love.

 

Grace upon grace,

April

Because I’m difficult too

It’s funny how we tend to think of ourselves as “normal” and everyone else as quirky characters. If we could be on the outside looking in, we might see it a little differently. The people in our lives: friends, co-workers, family (especially the people who live with us) either refine or bless us. But there is no getting around that God uses our different personalities for us to personally apply truth each day.

So I have a prayer for you and me as we head into today. Because whatever you do, I’m almost certain you’ll run into another human being which requires you to interact. If you’re like me, this can be challenging, but also a blessing. Usually when I have a perspective shift my attitude toward how I’ll view and treat others changes also. So here are words you might need to say back to the Father too.

Father, 

Today will be hard because there will be people in it.

Let me use those opportunities to be refined like Christ,

practicing self-control over my tongue and heart.

Help me to be gracious in speech, slow to anger, quick to listen, supernaturally loving the difficult or hurtful.

Protect my thoughts from comparison, envy, or self-righteous judgment.

I ask to have the freedom to show compassion and patience no matter how different the person might be.

Bring me to my knees in prayer when I think wrongly of someone else- pray for blessings toward them and not an ill will.

Grant me a humble spirit and a love for You that overflows into my everyday life. 

Let Jesus be the reflection when I look in the mirror.

You cover me in Your grace when I fail and rejoice in those small spiritual victories. 

Thank you for choosing me, loving me even when I’m difficult to love- help me do the same when I meet another face today.

Grace upon grace,

April