The Road to Jerusalem

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He keeps walking toward Jerusalem. His feet like lead, heavily putting one foot in front of the other. He knows what will happen and Jesus goes anyway.

As the Son of God He has set His love upon us so He keeps moving closer.

As the Son of Man He bends His will to the Father walking in full obedience. The wonder of it all. The grotesque brutality and suffering and pain.

Jesus did not walk into His purpose blindly, caught off guard. He understood the cost. Jesus, sorrowful yet determined to fulfill prophecy and redeem all mankind.

Firm, resolved, focused on the task at hand. History was made that day.

Calvary.

Grace in Trials

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Sometimes in the heavy life stuff or even the drudgery of rainy Monday stuff we long to see grace in the midst of it. Like longing for water in the desert, so we need to be sustained in the hard moments. This is a prayer from The Valley of Vision that is helpful to me right now and maybe it is for you too.

Whatever your struggle, know that your response has the potential to become valuable fruit for Jesus. The Lord says He prunes the branches that bear fruit so that they will bear even more fruit. Pruning is a painful, uncomfortable process, and if I’m honest I’d rather escape from my skin to avoid it. But life is messy and hard and trials are inevitable. The good news for believers is that we have a Hope that does not fail us. Perseverance produces character, and through character, an everlasting hope. Thinking of you all today and praying that your trials are not in vain, but will somehow serve the Lord and will turn out for your good. May you receive grace upon grace today.

-April

Grace in Trials

Father of mercies,

Hear me for Jesus’ sake.

I am sinful even in my closest walk

with thee;

it is of thy mercy I died not long ago;

 

Thy grace has given me faith in the cross

by which thou hast reconciled thyself to me

and me to thee,

drawing me by thy great love,

reckoning me as innocent in Christ though

guilty in myself.

 

Giver of all graces,

I look to thee for strength to maintain them in me,

for it is hard to practice what I believe.

 

Strengthen me against temptations.

My heart is an unexhausted fountain of sin,

a river of corruption since childhood days,

flowing on in every pattern of behavior;

 

Thou hast disarmed me of the means

in which I trusted,

and I have no strength but in thee.

Thou alone canst hold back my evil ways,

but without they grace to sustain me I fall.

 

Satan’s darts quickly inflame me,

and the shield that should quench them

easily drops from my hand:

Empower me against his wiles and assaults.

 

Keep me sensible of my weakness,

and of my dependence upon thy strength.

Let every trial teach me more of thy peace,

more of thy love.

 

Thy Holy Spirit is given to increase thy graces,

and I cannot preserve or improve them

unless he works continually in me.

 

May he confirm my trust in thy promised help,

and let me walk humbly in dependence upon thee,

for Jesus’ sake.

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Celebrate Joy (a prayer)

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Thank You, Father for the gift of this day. 

Slow down mindfully no matter what the schedule holds.

Outside may be a fury of deadlines, errands, and appointments,

breaking up squabbles made by little hands and voices –

but inside knowing that life is short, not an emergency.

 The hurry up, keep up pace in our fast moving culture is not something our souls can or should keep in step with.

You, Lord, are to be celebrated in joy not just at Christmas or Easter but everyday.

Each day is a gift because You are the present.

All of the other small, but beautiful gifts coming from Your Hand are stocking stuffers.

You are the Best Gift under the tree, on the Tree. I will celebrate You on this ordinary Monday with the joy and wonder of Christmas Day.

vision of joy

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(Matthew 20:29-34)

The two blind men wanted their sight, Bartimaeus and an unnamed man. Don’t we all want to see? Need to? In blindness we run after gods made out of stone, not even thinking about the God Man who became flesh like us. Jesus restored their sight that day. He gave them the gift of human sight, but more importantly, faith sight. It isn’t until Jesus touches our eyes that we are healed too. Our soul eyes need to be opened before we realize the need for a Savior.

“I once was blind, but now I see” as the old hymn goes. Even with the gift of sight we sometimes decide to take off those glasses. Because at least for now while we reside on earth, our glasses serve as a spiritual tool for better vision. I think those should be included in the armor of God. We at times need to be reminded to keep them on so we don’t wander off blindly, hands outstretched, searching, grasping air. When we remember to put the glasses on and gaze into the Word of God, we see with intention. We go joy hunting through His Word, which gives us breath and life. We learn, over and over again to follow Him through the valleys and peaks of life.

We follow Jesus until our dying breath living out His will, in His strength. And after death we still live in His presence forever and ever- Joy made flesh and sight and solid. What a sweet healing for our eyes. What restoration! How vital to really, clearly see in 20/20 spiritual vision, crystal clear in heaven.

These two men knew the power of Christ. Not only that, they understood His divine identity before they could even see. God was working on their spiritual eyes before He healed the physical. Because eyes to see the mystery of Christ is more critical than the ability to see anything this world has to offer. They followed Him with joy after Jesus healed them because they knew. The blind men had faith in His uncontainable power, His compassion for those without sight to see Saving Grace.

To see God fully is what every Christian longs for. The Spirit acts as the eyes of our hearts. The Lord tears down the blindspots we put up and replaces it with grace to see in spiritual technicolor. This is the truest reality, the one in which you and I cannot yet vividly grasp. Our world now is smoke and mirrors, which will soon burn away and shrivel up. It isn’t really real. We can touch it, see, taste, hear, and smell these good gifts but something greater, more real than where we are now awaits.

Thank You El Roi for the glimpses of the far better and not yet. Thank You for loving us so fully and completely.

Thank You, Father that You are “the God who sees”. We desire to be seen, noticed, cared for, understood. You tell us to “cast all our cares on You” – help us to see as You see things, with holy eyes.

Let us learn to see the everyday graces, to trust You in everything. We just might find ourselves surprised by joy.

Grace upon grace,

April

Go Deeper:  Mark 10:46-52; Luke 18:35-43

You are not alone

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Something I have been fairly open about on here is my trial with infertility. For me it is known as secondary infertility since my husband and I have one biological son. 1 in 8 couples experience difficulty in conceiving or sustaining a pregnancy according to a recent study from the National Survey of Family Growth*. It isn’t talked about so these couples grieve in silence. Something that caught my attention a few months ago was that this problem is not something dealt with just in the United States. I wrote a piece on secondary infertility and it was the most widely read post, reaching to places like the United Kingdom, New Zealand, and South Africa. The frustration and isolation is felt worldwide.

This is why we need each other. You and I are not alone in this. Our valley of infertility may not look the same, but the giants that threaten to slay us there sure seem similar: doubt, fear, anger, and self-pity. Sometimes it is hard to know who is going through this invisible pain. I catch myself wondering why the woman with a seven year old doesn’t have any more children. It is certainly none of my business, but could it be that instead of rushing to a conclusion (or judgment) I could have compassion instead? What if she would love nothing more than to have the pitter-patter of little feet all around her? What if she doesn’t? In any case, my response could make all the difference to her heart. In my own struggle with infertility I am trying to remember to give grace to other women with similar heartache.

That is why I am proud to partner with the Scarlet & Gold Shop in their ‘Give Grace’ campaign. It is a way for women struggling with infertility to come together and show grace to one another in the burdens they carry. Those battle scars can’t ever heal by keeping them buried. After awhile the Band-Aids become stale and just hang there serving no purpose but to hide a wound.

I think men and women process their infertile reality in different ways, but perhaps women feel it more deeply. In 1 Samuel, even Hannah’s husband, Elkanah, didn’t quite understand her sadness because she couldn’t have children. Wasn’t he enough, he asked? Yes and no. The desire for children is God given and there is no shame in that. Elkanah’s other wife, Peninnah, knew how much Hannah suffered because of infertility. Instead of deciding to be a friend and comfort her, Peninnah heaped onto Hannah’s heartache by provoking her barren womb.

One of the names of God that gives me great comfort is ‘Immanuel’, which means, “God with us”. As a Christian His very Presence is always with me. That means that I am not left to myself to fight the giants. He holds out His Hand to lead through all the twists and turns. As God becomes my strength He gives me eyes to see others around me in the valley. We begin to form a grace chain holding hands with each other as we hold onto Immanuel.

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Giving grace to another might look like sharing your story first. Help someone to know they are not alone. If you are not part of this “Club” that no one wants to be in, maybe pray for us? Some may be more sensitive than others when it comes to your words, baby announcements, and baby showers, but it doesn’t mean we don’t need you to encourage us. And even when we have a hard time of it, we still love that you have children and that you are pregnant again, because we love you – and life is beautiful, always.

It is a funny thing learning to be content in the present circumstances while still longing for a baby. There can be streams of joy down in the valley when you realize that you aren’t alone. You do not have to walk this journey alone.

You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.” (Isaiah 26:3 ESV)

You and I have Immanuel, God with us, and we never have to fear what the future holds when He holds the future.

Grace upon grace,

April

* 2006-2010 National Survey of Family Growth CDC; http://www.resolve.org

The Overflow of Joy

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What is the joy you long for? Do you recognize it when it’s staring you in the face? A recent sermon helped me to see that we all have our brokenness. That is really the only thing we have to offer God. He takes it, gently picking up the pieces cradling our very hearts close to His. Some of the pieces we smashed, other pieces were destroyed by another or many.

Have you ever noticed the verses in Scripture that condemn us in our deadness? It seems hopeless. Then the words come, like a rushing waterfall quenching our dry, parched souls – “BUT GOD”! It’s there in black and white, the turning point in the whole redemption Story. He has not left us to ourselves. The Lord really does save the day and ride in on a great white horse fighting for His Beloved, the Church, you. The words in Ephesians leap out, asking us to take notice of the treasure of joy right in front of our eyes.

“But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ – by grace you have been saved –“ (2:4-5 ESV)

The sermon I heard acknowledged that every person has hurts, struggles, or sicknesses to battle. Sometimes in the fog it is hard to see anything else especially in the thick of it. And then words of hope ring out: “But God…” The pastor who spoke that day told us of our need for Him. He presented Christ as desirable and lovely. He pulled back the curtain and helped me see King Jesus in all His Glory, Beauty, and Majesty.

You see, for the believer there is always hope no matter how dark the night of the soul gets. From our living hope springs an unexplainable joy – sometimes quiet you barely know its there. If you sit still long enough you’ll hear the whisper of Him who knit you together in your mother’s womb, “I love you. I have loved you with an everlasting love. You are my joy. Trust me and let Me be your Joy.” We quickly forget God’s love and faithfulness to us, which is why regular intake of the Bible is critical for our spiritual health. There are countless distractions and lies to draw us away from the truth everyday. Staying firmly planted in what God says leads to our joy.

This joy stems from believing when believing doesn’t make sense. Surrender. Wait. Rest. Joy is not in temporal circumstances but in keeping an eternal perspective. God wins. “The Sovereignty of God is the pillow on which we can lay our head”, as Charles Spurgeon so beautifully put it. Things of this importance take a lifetime to cultivate and recognize. We live each day with a grateful heart because God is in control and we are not. As we continue to seek Christ through daily trust and obedience our joy grows into an overflow.

Grace upon grace,

April

“You make known to me the path of life; in Your presence their is fullness of joy; at Your right hand are pleasures forevermore.”  -Psalm 16:11

 

 

what children’s songs can teach us about joy

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A lot of the songs I teach my son are the ones I was taught growing up in church. They may be simple songs, but they are more profound than I first realized. Oh, and they are short so my brain can retain and retrieve as needed (bonus). ‘Trust and Obey’ is one I like because of the sing song rhyming melody. It goes: “Trust and obey, for there’s no other way, to be happy in Jesus but to trust and obey”. I’m learning through songs like this that trust and obedience to the Lord are essential for sustainable joy. Do I really trust Him the way I say I do? Oh to have the faith of a child. My son just assumes I’ll take care of him (which I will) because he trusts me. He doesn’t ever worry or wring his hands or live in fear – he simply trusts.

Is it really that easy? I think grown-ups have a few hurdles to overcome because if you have lived in this world long enough you’ve been burned once or twice, experiencing disappointment and sadness. We become jaded because the world is not as it should be. Sinful people living in a world with sinful people often results in distrust and heartache. But our God is not flawed like we are.

The Lord is perfect in every way:  faithful, all wise, loving and true. He calls us to love and obey Him. So why are these the things Jesus places importance on? His own words found in the Book of John are, “If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father’s commands and remain in His love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete” (John 15:11 NIV).

            Christ commands us to love and obey Him because Jesus is the very best for us. It is to glorify Himself and for our own good. So when we learn to trust God and obey Him each day, we start to see the Lord at work in His faithfulness. We notice God acting in the world around us and in our personal lives. Our love for Him begins to bloom and stretch out. Obedience develops into a pattern and we see that when we follow what is right and good our joy is solid.

When you and I go back to Scripture we re-learn what alone satisfies our soul. It is nothing this world has to offer. So when my son recognizes the ‘Trust and Obey’ song that comes on in the car I’ll keep singing it for him. Control creates stress, which kills joy. Simple trust and obedience in Jesus is the heart message I want him to capture. It’s what this grown-up needs too.

Prayer to trust and obey :

I am loved immeasurably by Christ my Lord.

Help me to cleave to, trust in, have faith and obey You Mighty King!

If my deepest joy comes from a deep trust of You then fix my eyes on You alone in the good and in the bad.

Help me keep my hands open, palms up in continual trust of my Savior because You are teaching me how to trust and obey.

Amen.

 

Grace upon grace,

April

The Joy Word

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My son has a Veggie Tales book about having a thankful heart. It even has a song to go along with it (yes, a song). A few months ago all he wanted to do was press that song button on the book over and over and over. He would ask for the “happy” book, signing “happy” and point to the bookshelf. As much as I dislike the squeaky, cartoon voices in the song, I can’t help but pay close attention to the words: “Because a thankful heart is a happy heart. I’m glad for what I have that’s an easy way to start…”. The Lord knows I need this reminder just as much as my little guy, probably more. In fact I’m sure of it. It dawned on me after hearing the “happy” song for many, many nights in a row that this is where joy is born. Gratitude for our daily blessings creates a joyful space in our spirit. This joy expands the more we fix our eyes on His gifts to us.

Joy. It’s uncovered through the art of gratitude.

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God has prepared us for this. We were made for joy with Him forevermore. We can start practicing to live in joy today. Maybe it’s hard for you also. This is about finding joy in the ordinary, everyday mundane- recovering lost beauty and a worshipful heart.

Gifts that you wouldn’t necessarily think as gifts can be. For me, my son’s disabilities are a kind of gift. He still carries a sense of wonder over the ordinary, because his learning of the outside world is just now emerging. I get to see the world through him with fresh eyes. His infectious laughter gets me and my husband every time. We just look at each other and grin, thankful we get to be his parents. The obstacles of not yet having more children have also been a gift of leaning close to the Lord, trusting Him even when I don’t understand.

Our sense of beauty, innocence and joy was stolen in the Garden of Eden from the very first sin. We need to remember what it looks like and claim His goodness again. I don’t want to live the one life I have with cynicism and joylessness. That is a wasted life.

If “the joy of the Lord is your strength” (Nehemiah 8:10 NIV) then we need to know what that means. While you scour the food crusted pots at the sink, dig in the dirt planting the tulip bulb to blossom come spring, while you rock your little one to sleep quietly humming a lullaby- joy is there. It’s in the cracks of life, springing up from the ground. It is not a naïve “Pollyanna” attitude, although that term (and movie) does get a bad wrap. It’s a knowing. It is recognizing the source of Life, the Giver of the gifts. Understanding how much we are loved immeasurably through the Greatest Sacrifice in the history of mankind? Let your Joy start there.

Grace upon grace,

April

Prayer:

Thank You Lord, for our greatest joy, the gift of salvation bought with the sinless blood of Jesus Christ. Those you have called to Yourself are never more secure. You love your children with an everlasting love. Thank you Father, for our many blessings, the ones we can see and especially the blessings which we cannot. Let your children live in solemn, bold joy today. We pray Your kingdom come soon, Your will be done on earth as it is in Heaven.

Amen.

The Autism Label

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I guess I already knew. Jason and I had been using this term to describe our son for quite sometime: autistic. Something about seeing it the other day in black and white confirmed by the education specialists just felt like a punch in the gut. My son’s autism was now “official” for all educational purposes.

The diagnosis we were given when he was a baby was “developmental delay” and “hypotonia” (which just means he has low muscle tone). I already accepted this. My little guy has always had to work a little harder and longer to accomplish a milestone task. He didn’t start walking until he was 23 months for goodness sake.

The last week or so has been compiled of meetings/interviews/observations with what I like to call his “team”, to go over his Individualized Education Plan (IEP). I am so thankful for these women who have made it their professional calling to help kids like him. His team includes his speech therapist, occupational therapist, physical therapist, specialized Pre-K teacher, and Special Education coordinator from the public school system. The supplemental helpers are his teacher aides (who are fantastic), the Autism teacher, his peers, and basically any other teacher or staff member at the school that he has befriended. He knows more people in the school than I do which I find hilarious and comforting. They all know him and love him and can see what I see in him.

At the same time, recognizing that the label of Autism is now forever attached to my son is hard to process. It explains why he acts the way he does, but Jesse is a lot more than a stereotype too. As I went over the confirmed results with his team I wanted to cry because I could no longer put a veil over the obvious, admitting my son has a disability. There is grief for the parent of a special needs child because I want so much in life for my son just like every other parent. I want him to speak in sentences, to hear ‘I love you, mom’, to understand why we celebrate Christmas and get crazy excited about it like other kids, to pretend to be a fireman or superhero running around the house saving the day!

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And yet there was relief in finally coming to terms with his autism. For so long I have wrestled with feeling like a failure as a mom because he hasn’t been able to keep up with his peers in skill level. I thought part of it was something I wasn’t doing right. It isn’t my fault and it isn’t his either. My son has autism. The consolation of having an explanation for his delays, quirks, and irrational fears and the sadness of the reality is an odd emotion to work through.

When the Special Education coordinator looked at me and actually told me I wasn’t a failure I wanted to throw my arms around this almost stranger and give her a huge bear hug. Did she know I needed to hear that? She must have, it’s her job. I’m sure she has seen that look in parents’ eyes before when something really hard to accept becomes concrete. This is my life and I mostly try to focus on the good rather than dwell in self-pity over the hard. Yes, Jesse has autism, but it looks different in each child. He is the happiest person I know and loves to laugh. For the most part he is unaware of himself, which is so refreshing. He doesn’t know he is “different”.

What I want other parents of special needs children to know is that it is not your fault and you a not a colossal failure in parenting. The way we teach and raise our kids just looks a little different. Show yourself some grace and I when I forget this, tell it to me too. Our lives are filled with a bit more misunderstanding from outsiders, worry, and stress. But I know you love your child ‘to the moon and back’ as the saying goes. You wouldn’t go to the insanely long IEP meetings if you didn’t. I know that you take her to all of the doctors’ appointments, the neurologist, audiologist, therapy, and playgroups to help your baby. Breathe a little because you are doing the best you can so give yourself some credit now and then. You wouldn’t do all of this if you weren’t an amazing parent! Today, count the blessings you see in him. Look for it because I know that through the hardship there are silver linings you can be grateful for. I see you today and I’m rooting for you.

Grace upon grace,

April

My Prayer for you

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When you realize that you can’t do it

on your own

and that maybe you aren’t enough.

Know that the God of Heaven is.

The Great I AM who is an All-Powerful

Consuming Fire

loves you like a protective mama bear

over her cubs.

I pray for you, the one who wonders

if they are noticed-

the one who feels inadequate

in his responsibilities

the one who struggles with a heavy addiction,

that dark stain which dishonors God.

May you go forth this week

washed in His Word,

dipped in the blood of the Lamb

so you come out

like fresh fallen snow

pure and clean.

You don’t have to be enough

because God is.

That is why Jesus came.

He lived to die so that you might really

start living forever

Redemption.

It’s weaved in and out of history

with a crimson cord of love

and He holds it out for you too.

Salvation is not just for those

who think they are good enough

or strong enough

because they aren’t,

we aren’t.

What we deserve and what we are offered

is the difference between life and death.

I pray you know Him.

I pray you see the Christ King

Who will one day make everything right.

He touches that heart

battered, bruised and betrayed

by the world,

opens it up and places Himself inside.

My prayer for you

is that you comprehend the deep well of love

lavished on your soul

by the sweetest name on earth: Jesus.

Look for His Handprint

today in everything

good and beautiful.

He points us to Himself that way

so that we can enjoy our Gracious God

and rejoice, again I say rejoice!

Re-Joy always.

Grace upon grace,

April